I was scrolling through social media just now and found myself thinking “Gosh, even THEY have a boyfriend.” Then immediately thought “Wow, that was a douche thing to think.” As if how I measured that person’s “boyfriend worthiness” has any fucking basis in reality. I don’t even know that person, but based on how I perceived him I made a judgement that:
- He wasn’t “attractive” enough to have a boyfriend.
- I was more attractive than him and therefore should have a boyfriend.
None of this makes ANY sense, nevertheless I thought it. So instead of beating myself up for having this insane thought I decided to blog about it and work it through.
What I realized is that I tie everything to appearance. I think that is why I have been so frustrated with my “dating” life right now. When I weighed 420 lbs I hated how I looked. I felt “ugly” and “gross”. My hygiene was at best “minimal” due to both physical and mental limitations. The guys that did find me attractive tended to be, for the most part(but definitely not all), “chasers” who fetish-ized me as a “chub”(a word I still hate). It was very difficult for me to accept this type of relationship. How can I be with someone who lusted after one of the main things that I hated the most about myself.
Now, before all of the “chubs and chasers” start trolling the hate let me say that I am not commenting on whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. I know that for me it was something that I had a lot of shame about. I did not like who I was on the outside. It did not reflect who I was on the inside. When I looked in the mirror, what I saw was definitely not how I saw myself on the inside. So when I decided to make the life changes necessary to become that person on the outside who I was on the inside I never realized how much the person on the inside needed to change as well.
Part of the work I’ve been trying to do on myself is discovering what my self-worth is. I need to completely retrain my brain. My first instinct, when finding someone attractive and interesting is: “That person is attractive to me. Begin non-scientific, non-rational decision making about how to proceed to be naked with the target.” All joking aside, this is somewhat accurate. I don’t know how to meet someone I find attractive. I don’t know how to act at all. I have deluded myself over the years that I can read someone’s body language like a master, this is a lie.
The truth is that I don’t know my self-worth. I don’t know that I have something healthy to offer a partner and I am not happy about this. Recovery can be very lonely and isolating. “I’m working on myself” is a lonely sentence.