So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Truth is I haven’t had that much to say so rather than try to force out some recovery bullshit I decided to take a break. With regards to alcohol I’ve been doing very well. I haven’t had the urge to drink. I made it through Christmas without incident and even when presented with the opportunity to drink I didn’t even give it a second thought. I am proud of myself for that.
Christmas Eve I had an interesting realization. I was in the company of some folks I have met over the past months and a very harmless conversation about church and priests came up. For some reason we were talking about going to confession and I started talking about this embarrassing time I went and I was in the confessional and started to confess
about lying about something to my parents or something when the priest said “James?” I said, “Um, yeah…” and the Priest said “Why don’t you come in here?”. I remember
thinking “Oh great, now I have to go, sit in front of Father Mike and try to lie to his face about the things I was going to lie about in the safety of the little dark room…”
In all honesty, I can’t remember if this occurrence happened before or after the inappropriate situation I had with Father Mike in the rectory when I was an altar boy. Nothing happened in the confessional but I guess my question is “Was this normal?” I seem to remember having the option of giving confession face to face or in the confessional. But it was an option. I feel like once I decided to go into the confessional booth and not face to face that my intentions were clear. I feel like this was another abuse of his “power”. What right did he have to, first of all, identify me and secondly force me to give my confession face to face? It was all about power. He had it and I didn’t.
It makes me wonder how many other times in my life I gave up my power to someone else. How easily swayed I’ve been. I learned a long time ago that I am quite susceptible to suggestion. I remember I was hypnotized on stage one time by a hypnotist and acted like a chicken. It was a surreal experience, I was fully aware of what I was doing but what I really had no control over what I was doing. That has frightened me to my core and I’ve not allowed myself to be in a situation where this might occur again.I’m actually glad that I had this memory resurface because I think that it is a core issue that I have and am interested in exploring it more in therapy.
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