I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that gave me some things to think about. It’s about letting go. Letting go of the past and mistakes made. Letting go of people from my past who have no place in my present and future. I struggle with this big time. The worst part of this is I know exactly why I do this and it is one of the most problematic personality flaws I have.
I have written before about how I tend to blame myself for the actions and feelings of others. This is yet another coping mechanism I established years ago to battle lonliness. When I create an emotional bond with someone it is difficult for me to dissolve it. The deeper the bond the more difficult it is to break. The problem with this is sometimes these emotional bonds are very one sided. I have given my heart and trust to people who either didn’t feel the same way or themselves didn’t have the emotional fortitude to reciprocate. I am not saying that I shouldn’t have deep emotional bonds with friends and family, but I have to learn that every relationship needs to be reciprocal in all aspects. That can be a difficult task if the other party isn’t emotionally honest enough to also realize that about themselves.
In recovery I am learning about boundaries and specifically how important they are in every relationship. I am learning that I need to recognize them and also have them. I have to respect the ones people require and demand respect for the ones I require. My newfound quest for honesty is a key component in this endeavor. Having an authentic relationship with myself is a good place to begin. Breaking down delusion and self-deprecation have been so difficult after years and years of using this to cope with nearly every physical and emotional challenge i’ve encountered. I’m encouraged by the fact that I am at least now cognizant of these character defects and am working towards finding healthy alternatives to cope with the difficulties of life.
Although I do not fully agree with all of the points my friend made yesterday with regards to completely cutting people out from your past who’ve hurt you, I agree that there is some work that I need to do on myself before deciding whether or not to let someone back in going forward.