I feel so strange about this. I think about where I was two months ago as opposed to where I am today and it feels like I crossed over into another reality. Most of my fears and anxiety, especially now that my DUI case is resolved have subsided, but I am still working very hard on at least one of my old fears. Delusion.
Delusion is a very common coping mechanism for an addict. Reading my old journals have provided me with an interesting insight into my history with it. I couldn’t quite articulate it when I was a teenager but I was constantly aware of my ability to do it. Some might say that it is a healthy fear to have and that checking yourself is an important part of recovery, but my fear lies in the fact that I worry that I am actually not doing as well as I think I am. I am constantly waiting for “the other shoe” to drop.I guess this is normal. I hope it is anyway.
I am looking into the future and wondering what that will hold for me. There are things I want to do and places I want to visit. The want is there, but the how is not. I am becoming a more organized person but there is still much work to be done there. I want to go back to school. I want to become a nurse, but the how is not so clear.
- Will I afford it?
- Will I be able to work and go to school?
- Will I be able to handle the stress of school and work?
- Will I handle it if I am not smart enough to pass?
- Will I deal with it if I find it is not what I want to do?
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I am not afraid to try to find out. I know that I have the support of my friends and family and that certainly makes it easier. I just need to find the motivation to see it through.
A story was related to me earlier this week that someone was gossiping and mischaracterized a blog post I wrote and implied that I had broken someone’s anonymity by writing about my experience. It made me very upset. My guilt set in almost immediately. I went back to the post and read and re-read it and it became clear to me that I, in fact, had not done so. The person who was allegedly affected agreed with me that their anonymity had not been revealed and we both moved on from it. In truth, I haven’t really thought about it at all which is huge for me because this is the type of thing that Brenda has, in the past, made me react in a destructive way. Today for some reason I am compelled to write about this experience and how it relates to my sobriety.
I’d like to think that the parties involved intentions were pure and that they were legitimately concerned about their friend’s anonymity. I wished those people had reached out to me and voiced their concern. It would have been easy to do. I thought about reaching out to them directly. No solution I could think of seemed appropriate. I realized that this issue, was not mine. That I had nothing to apologize for and that no harm had been done. I realized that for these people to have read my blog and made assumptions about who I was talking about means that they didn’t actually read the post or what the point of the whole thing was. They didn’t care about me. So why read it at all? Entertainment? It seems malicious to me and I am not OK with that. I then remembered something that I’ve seen online and heard in countless TV shows and movies:
“What other people think of you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”
There is so much truth to this. So this scenario is no longer renting space in my already cluttered brain.