So today is Judgment Day. My day in court…again. My DWI happened on 9/2/16. Today is 11/17/16. Today will be my 5th court appearance and even though I am not looking forward to having my license suspended and then having to have an Interlock Device in my car for the next 6 months and having to pay thousands of dollars in fees and fines, I am very happy that it(hopefully)will be over today. I want to move on. I want to begin to put this time behind me and take the lessons I’ve learned from it and grow a nice life.
What is still so mind blowing to me is that since the events of these past few months how much my life has improved…in every aspect. My relationships with my friends and family have never been stronger. Even though I’m having some challenges, work has been great. I have a new car that I love. I have connected with an amazing support network through AA and met some truly inspiring individuals with whom I’m building new friendships. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since I was in high school. I am actually looking forward to the Holidays. I am happy.
Crazy, huh? I’m sitting here typing this, thinking about having to go to that damn courthouse and face a judge and stand in front of a gallery full of others like myself and talk about the worst thing I have ever done and I feel happy. This is serenity. This is sanity. What a wonderful gift this is! I am so grateful to my Higher Power for granting me this serenity. I am grateful to myself for finally allowing my Higher Power back into my soul.
I just re-read that last paragraph I wrote. I was about to delete it because Brenda tried to tell me that people were going to roll their eyes and think “you are ridiculous and a hypocrite after a life-time of thinking people who believe in a Higher Power a crazy whack-jobs”. Maybe she’s right. Maybe people will think I am excusing my past behavior on alcoholism and not taking responsibility. Maybe they think I am writing a blog for attention. Maybe they think I am making it all up. Maybe all of these things are 100% true. I reminded Brenda of one the most important thing I have learned in Recovery. My recovery is my own. There is no right or wrong. If other people think all of those things about me that is their right. I’m actually ok with it. It actually has nothing to do with me. It is also none of my business. (She didn’t like that and is now currently eating a box of wheat thins, sulking and binge watching “Hoarders” on Netflix).
This week I had coffee with a friend. He related a story to me about people who used to be a big part of my social circle and are still part of his. The details of the story aren’t as important as the fact that they were just being catty for catty’s sake at my expense and he stuck up for me. Where does this all fit into the context of this post? He told me this story back on Sunday. Today is thursday and it is the first time I thought about it. You see, this is the type of thing that would pre-occupy my mind 24/7. A story about people talking about me, especially when I feel what they are saying is not justified and unfair, would have devastated and consumed me. I would have tried to find a way to get to them and let them know somehow that I know what they said and that I think they are treating me unfairly…or worse…sought revenge. Believe me, Brenda was champing at the bit to help me cope with this but I didn’t feel any of those emotions. You know what I focused on? I focused on the fact that my friend had my back. My friend saw an injustice and stood up for me. My friend loved me more and put me first instead of whatever “reprocussions” he would have for having a dissenting opinion. That was an amazing gift he gave me. His actions gave me solace, because a friend who has your back is FAR more important than the opinons of people who are no longer part of my life.
(OK, I guess its possible that Brenda won a little bit since I wrote about it, but recovery is a marathon not a sprint right?)
Wish me luck today, friends!!!